I find myself in an interesting place in my life right now. I've been seeing a woman I really like for about a month now. I love her smile, I think she's hot, she is very sweet and down to earth, and has a very sincere caring quality about her.
But I feel a lot of apprehension about letting go fully. A big part of it is because I don't want to get hurt, and another smaller part is because I feel like the best is still yet to come as far as my social life goes.
So how am I going to handle this? For now, I'm still going to go out socially a few times a week to stay sharp and push myself into tough interactions with the hottest women. I'm also going to give myself fully during the times we are together, and see where it takes us. I understand that I can only control what I do and my emotions, and that hers will develop naturally over time.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
15 Things I’ve Learned in Five Years
From Entropy......
We’re about a month shy of my five-year anniversary with this PUA stuff. But I’m posting this anyway (reason will be clear soon). Here are 15 things that I’ve learned in that time. These are purposely left a little open-ended, so feel free to discuss.
1. Men find and join the PUA community to get validation from women. They stay in it to get validation from other men.
2. Guys who are trying to bang 100 girls usually need to get a girlfriend. Guys who are trying to get a girlfriend usually need to bang 100 girls.
3. The single biggest factor stopping you (and me) from improving is an inability to overcome our fears and anxieties. Whether it be the fear of rejection, fear of success, fear of change, fear of failure, fear of intimacy, fear of sexuality — if you removed all fear, all of our sticking points would either vanish, or work themselves out almost immediately.
4. The only rule is calibration, the rest is a recommendation.
5. An attractive and abundant lifestyle will trump the best game in the world, ten times out of ten. It’s also a far more enjoyable way of meeting women and making friends than cold approach.
6. Always assume she’s feeling the same way as you. If you feel awkward and annoyed, then she probably does too. If you’re falling head over heels for her, she probably is too.
7. You’re never as bad with women as you think you are. You’re also never as good with women as you think you are. In fact, you have far less control in the matter than you think. Get over yourself.
8. Sex gets 90% of our attention, but 90% of game comes down to handling emotions — the sex is a side-effect.
9. Most dating advice will tell you that getting good with women is easy but a complicated process to learn. The opposite is true. Improving with women is actually very easy to learn, but hard to actually go out and do.
10. Having a healthy and happy long-term relationship will teach you as much about women as 5,000 cold approaches and 100 lays.
11. When in doubt, always err on the side of being more aggressive.
12. Two qualities show me how good a guy is with women: how much he thinks he controls the seduction process and how well he handles rejection. The more a guy recognizes how much he doesn’t control, the better he is. The more a guy embraces getting rejected, the better he is. It’s the guys who claim to know everything and who claim to never get rejected that are clueless. Beware of them.
13. Things that are vastly overrated, if not completely useless: preventing flakes, openers, AMOG’ing and Boyfriend destroyers, state control, social proof, value.
14. Things that are vastly underrated if not completely ignored: non-verbal communication, listening well, empathizing and relating, being passionate about something, emotional connections, social circles, movement.
15. Looking back, here are the only major things the community taught me that I think my own experience didn’t or couldn’t have: the importance of dominance and expressing my sexuality (thanks David Deida, Robert Glover and Hypnotica), that it’s OK to hit on girls and want to fuck them (thanks Mystery and Style), and that our logical mind will usually rationalize whatever our emotions already feel (thanks David D). The rest of community material, by and large, I’ve found to either be a corollary to one of the above, or completely trivial or useless.
The vast majority of what I learned, I learned through my own experiences (mostly my failures), discussions with wings/friends, and by simply being aware and observing other people and naturals. And of course, my real teachers were the thousands of women I’ve interacted with over the last five years. From the ones who loved me to the ones who blew me out, thank you.
Edit: I forgot to mention, using humor to make fun of girls rather than myself or other things was probably the single biggest turning point for me as a newbie. Credit DavidD for that one as well. It’s been so long, I can hardly remember what was a big deal to me back then.
We’re about a month shy of my five-year anniversary with this PUA stuff. But I’m posting this anyway (reason will be clear soon). Here are 15 things that I’ve learned in that time. These are purposely left a little open-ended, so feel free to discuss.
1. Men find and join the PUA community to get validation from women. They stay in it to get validation from other men.
2. Guys who are trying to bang 100 girls usually need to get a girlfriend. Guys who are trying to get a girlfriend usually need to bang 100 girls.
3. The single biggest factor stopping you (and me) from improving is an inability to overcome our fears and anxieties. Whether it be the fear of rejection, fear of success, fear of change, fear of failure, fear of intimacy, fear of sexuality — if you removed all fear, all of our sticking points would either vanish, or work themselves out almost immediately.
4. The only rule is calibration, the rest is a recommendation.
5. An attractive and abundant lifestyle will trump the best game in the world, ten times out of ten. It’s also a far more enjoyable way of meeting women and making friends than cold approach.
6. Always assume she’s feeling the same way as you. If you feel awkward and annoyed, then she probably does too. If you’re falling head over heels for her, she probably is too.
7. You’re never as bad with women as you think you are. You’re also never as good with women as you think you are. In fact, you have far less control in the matter than you think. Get over yourself.
8. Sex gets 90% of our attention, but 90% of game comes down to handling emotions — the sex is a side-effect.
9. Most dating advice will tell you that getting good with women is easy but a complicated process to learn. The opposite is true. Improving with women is actually very easy to learn, but hard to actually go out and do.
10. Having a healthy and happy long-term relationship will teach you as much about women as 5,000 cold approaches and 100 lays.
11. When in doubt, always err on the side of being more aggressive.
12. Two qualities show me how good a guy is with women: how much he thinks he controls the seduction process and how well he handles rejection. The more a guy recognizes how much he doesn’t control, the better he is. The more a guy embraces getting rejected, the better he is. It’s the guys who claim to know everything and who claim to never get rejected that are clueless. Beware of them.
13. Things that are vastly overrated, if not completely useless: preventing flakes, openers, AMOG’ing and Boyfriend destroyers, state control, social proof, value.
14. Things that are vastly underrated if not completely ignored: non-verbal communication, listening well, empathizing and relating, being passionate about something, emotional connections, social circles, movement.
15. Looking back, here are the only major things the community taught me that I think my own experience didn’t or couldn’t have: the importance of dominance and expressing my sexuality (thanks David Deida, Robert Glover and Hypnotica), that it’s OK to hit on girls and want to fuck them (thanks Mystery and Style), and that our logical mind will usually rationalize whatever our emotions already feel (thanks David D). The rest of community material, by and large, I’ve found to either be a corollary to one of the above, or completely trivial or useless.
The vast majority of what I learned, I learned through my own experiences (mostly my failures), discussions with wings/friends, and by simply being aware and observing other people and naturals. And of course, my real teachers were the thousands of women I’ve interacted with over the last five years. From the ones who loved me to the ones who blew me out, thank you.
Edit: I forgot to mention, using humor to make fun of girls rather than myself or other things was probably the single biggest turning point for me as a newbie. Credit DavidD for that one as well. It’s been so long, I can hardly remember what was a big deal to me back then.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Motivations and Profound Thoughts
There are a couple blogs and email subscriptions I follow and there are things I often read that I find very profound and insightful. Here are a few I recently read that I liked:
From Braddock's Blog:
"And it all comes down to opening. I guarantee if I had at least made the effort to open in all those instances I now regret, they would not have materialized into such nights. You will not regret the times where a girl blows you out for trying. You will remember the nights where you went out and didn’t talk to anyone – and those are the ones that hurt."
From Entropy:
"This is one of the most important and profound realizations that
I've ever had in all of my years of coaching: pick up is not a
skill that is learned... it's a habit that is practiced.
You already know how to speak to a girl, you just haven't created
a habit of it. You already know how to be sexual, you just
haven't made a habit of it.
Seduction is less like learning to play piano (takes years of
study and work), and more like training yourself to write with
your left-hand if you were born right-handed. You "know" how to
do it already, it's just that you've never done it before, so
you're fighting through a lifetime of bad habits."
From Entropy:
"If approach anxiety is merely a lack of conditioning ourselves to
talk to beautiful strangers, then we shouldn't be training
ourselves for strength, but for endurance. Someone who can't
approach at all lacks the endurance to even do one approach.
Therefore you should lower the intensity instead of raising it."
From Captain Jack:
This is best done in a venue where people go and hang out for 2-3 hours. Start a normal conversation with a Hotty. Be conversational, almost boring for the first minute. Then, say something like this…
You know, I’m sure you are TIRED of hearing this but you have really… really… nice lips.
She’ll probably looked kind of shocked or embarrased or say thank you or… get back on the previous subject and then say,
Gotta go. Great chatting with you. If you see me around don’t be shy, say hi or something.
And then leave.
But, don’t stop there…
Do the same thing with another girl, then another, then another.
Before long you will have them gravitating back towards you. Keep circling. One of them WILL sink her teeth in and you’ll have the easiest success of your life.
What is important here is not only what you are doing to the single girl… but, how it looks to the rest of the women in the venue and everyone else. There is a NETWORK effect.
From Braddock's Blog:
"And it all comes down to opening. I guarantee if I had at least made the effort to open in all those instances I now regret, they would not have materialized into such nights. You will not regret the times where a girl blows you out for trying. You will remember the nights where you went out and didn’t talk to anyone – and those are the ones that hurt."
From Entropy:
"This is one of the most important and profound realizations that
I've ever had in all of my years of coaching: pick up is not a
skill that is learned... it's a habit that is practiced.
You already know how to speak to a girl, you just haven't created
a habit of it. You already know how to be sexual, you just
haven't made a habit of it.
Seduction is less like learning to play piano (takes years of
study and work), and more like training yourself to write with
your left-hand if you were born right-handed. You "know" how to
do it already, it's just that you've never done it before, so
you're fighting through a lifetime of bad habits."
From Entropy:
"If approach anxiety is merely a lack of conditioning ourselves to
talk to beautiful strangers, then we shouldn't be training
ourselves for strength, but for endurance. Someone who can't
approach at all lacks the endurance to even do one approach.
Therefore you should lower the intensity instead of raising it."
From Captain Jack:
This is best done in a venue where people go and hang out for 2-3 hours. Start a normal conversation with a Hotty. Be conversational, almost boring for the first minute. Then, say something like this…
You know, I’m sure you are TIRED of hearing this but you have really… really… nice lips.
She’ll probably looked kind of shocked or embarrased or say thank you or… get back on the previous subject and then say,
Gotta go. Great chatting with you. If you see me around don’t be shy, say hi or something.
And then leave.
But, don’t stop there…
Do the same thing with another girl, then another, then another.
Before long you will have them gravitating back towards you. Keep circling. One of them WILL sink her teeth in and you’ll have the easiest success of your life.
What is important here is not only what you are doing to the single girl… but, how it looks to the rest of the women in the venue and everyone else. There is a NETWORK effect.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Capt. Jack: Low Self-Approval or Low Self-Esteem?
FROM CJ'S BLOG:
I think what you NAME things matters a great deal. One of the problems with innovating is you are stuck with the vocabulary of the system/environment… We have a VERY extensive vocabulary in Pick-Up.
But, I think much of it is extremely inaccurate.
LSE or Low Self-Esteem is one such word. It SEEMS to describe a personality trait (or function/behavior) but it is really not descriptive.
I’ve been telling friends/puas/students for awhile now to NOTICE how MOST of the people at bars are LSE. In EVERY instance I’ve shared it they have come back to me saying something like this, “Holy shit man! How the fuck did I miss that?”
The reason lies in the concept and the vocabulary. It has NOTHING to do with esteem.
Here’s the dictionary def:
–noun
1. a realistic respect for or favorable impression of oneself; self-respect.
2. an inordinately or exaggeratedly favorable impression of oneself.
WTF does that mean? Sure we can think we know what it means but it is so ultimately non-descriptive that when you try to dig deeper into solutions you quickly discover how meaningless it is.
There is, however, an often used phrase in The Community that is more functional and more descriptive than LSE. In fact, if I had it my way I’d say let’s strike LSE out of the Canon and just use Approval Seeking or Seeking Approval.
That’s right on the fucking money.
Everybody is Seeking Approval. And, when do you feel more approved of than when a member of the opposite sex wants to have sex with you?
Letting the girl KNOW you APPROVE OF her as a female and APPROVE OF her as a sexual being is the end-all of Sexual Framing.
Here’s the kicker.
Think about a time when you did something you felt proud of yourself about… something you really gave yourself a nice big pat on the back about. Maybe you felt great when graduated college… Got a promotion at work… Got a girl you thought was out of your league…
Now, ask yourself where did those feelings come from (literally)?
Inside you.
If you weren’t feeling them one second and you were the next second, where did they REALLY come from?
You.
So, who gave you the Approval?
You did.
If you gave yourself the Approval, who was holding the Approval away?
You were.
We’ve been conditioned by Society to get approval OUTSIDE. Of course. How else could you Mass Control everyone?
If everyone gave themselves approval they would give everyone else approval, too. This would SEVERELY reduce all other problems. People who approve of themselves DO NOT do destructive things.
(The mind, being linear, treats other people like you treat yourself and vice versa.)
On the other side, can you see that you’ve been giving yourself disapproval? And, because you’ve been disapproving of yourself it has caused an intense craving for approval inside you?
And, knowing yourself intimately, could you see how someone else (a complete stranger) would be hesitant to give you approval IF your behavior, speech, mannerisms and body language gave them the intuitive impression-feeling that you disapproved of yourself?
Could you decide (right now, as best you can) to stop disapproving of yourself?
Then, could you decide (right now, as best you can) to give yourself approval?
Could you DECIDE to do it for no reason?
Don’t do it for anyone else. Do it for yourself. Decide now to approve of yourself.
This constant seeking of happiness OUTSIDE of you is what Buddha was talking about when he said things like, “Attachment to Desire (craving) is the root of all suffering.”
Going even deeper, Buddha’s “Twelve Links of Causation” start off with Ignorance.
Ignorance of what? Ignorance that you are a complete, infinite Being already. (Even if you don’t feel like one, act like one or think like one… what separates you from knowing it is FEELINGS and THOUGHTS… relinquish those and you’re done.)
Giving yourself Approval is a NATIVE ability and it’s only a decision. Everyone can do it.
When you get your own approval back, you can approve of others fully BECAUSE of who they are, not IN SPITE of who they are.
Then, people will gravitate towards you magnetically because they sense intuitively that you ARE closer to your innate being and everyone is trying to get BACK to that state.
But, it all starts with YOU.
If you can feel Superior to someone you can feel Inferior to someone. Both are Ego functions, and they can’t exist separately.
Remember in my post LR: Juggs how I THOUGHT the girl was being bitchy? And, remember how I made the decision to quit being so smart and allow it to be other than what I thought it was…
…and it turned out to be very different?
Well, I’m going to propose that you think about, consider, ponder, contemplate the idea that MOST of the negative experiences (and even NO-GO sets) you’ve had (or imagine having) with women are due to your MISTAKING her Low Self-Approval statements and behaviors for stuff that is consistent with “Your Story.”
It’s actually pretty comical from my new viewpoint.
You put a bunch of people in the room who don’t know how to love themselves… give them a shitload of alcohol, turn up the music so loud you can’t even think (let alone talk) and then you expect them to get together…
… the fact that people DO IT every night across the world is a testament to how compelling and pervasive this need for Approval is.
Anyway, that’s a very SLIGHT and basic groundwork into the newer AA stuff I’ve been working on… this has to be understood before the processes can be taught and have an effect.
What if, instead of asking you to give yourself approval, I had asked you to give yourself some Esteem?
Not quite the same effect is it? Now, imagine developing, describing and constructing exercises to help people “get it” while using bad naming all the way through.
The entire Community’s vocabulary and conceptual framework was built haphazardly over years by guys who didn’t get it… by guys who were still trying to figure it out.
Is it any wonder it’s such a mess?
~ CJ ~
I think what you NAME things matters a great deal. One of the problems with innovating is you are stuck with the vocabulary of the system/environment… We have a VERY extensive vocabulary in Pick-Up.
But, I think much of it is extremely inaccurate.
LSE or Low Self-Esteem is one such word. It SEEMS to describe a personality trait (or function/behavior) but it is really not descriptive.
I’ve been telling friends/puas/students for awhile now to NOTICE how MOST of the people at bars are LSE. In EVERY instance I’ve shared it they have come back to me saying something like this, “Holy shit man! How the fuck did I miss that?”
The reason lies in the concept and the vocabulary. It has NOTHING to do with esteem.
Here’s the dictionary def:
–noun
1. a realistic respect for or favorable impression of oneself; self-respect.
2. an inordinately or exaggeratedly favorable impression of oneself.
WTF does that mean? Sure we can think we know what it means but it is so ultimately non-descriptive that when you try to dig deeper into solutions you quickly discover how meaningless it is.
There is, however, an often used phrase in The Community that is more functional and more descriptive than LSE. In fact, if I had it my way I’d say let’s strike LSE out of the Canon and just use Approval Seeking or Seeking Approval.
That’s right on the fucking money.
Everybody is Seeking Approval. And, when do you feel more approved of than when a member of the opposite sex wants to have sex with you?
Letting the girl KNOW you APPROVE OF her as a female and APPROVE OF her as a sexual being is the end-all of Sexual Framing.
Here’s the kicker.
Think about a time when you did something you felt proud of yourself about… something you really gave yourself a nice big pat on the back about. Maybe you felt great when graduated college… Got a promotion at work… Got a girl you thought was out of your league…
Now, ask yourself where did those feelings come from (literally)?
Inside you.
If you weren’t feeling them one second and you were the next second, where did they REALLY come from?
You.
So, who gave you the Approval?
You did.
If you gave yourself the Approval, who was holding the Approval away?
You were.
We’ve been conditioned by Society to get approval OUTSIDE. Of course. How else could you Mass Control everyone?
If everyone gave themselves approval they would give everyone else approval, too. This would SEVERELY reduce all other problems. People who approve of themselves DO NOT do destructive things.
(The mind, being linear, treats other people like you treat yourself and vice versa.)
On the other side, can you see that you’ve been giving yourself disapproval? And, because you’ve been disapproving of yourself it has caused an intense craving for approval inside you?
And, knowing yourself intimately, could you see how someone else (a complete stranger) would be hesitant to give you approval IF your behavior, speech, mannerisms and body language gave them the intuitive impression-feeling that you disapproved of yourself?
Could you decide (right now, as best you can) to stop disapproving of yourself?
Then, could you decide (right now, as best you can) to give yourself approval?
Could you DECIDE to do it for no reason?
Don’t do it for anyone else. Do it for yourself. Decide now to approve of yourself.
This constant seeking of happiness OUTSIDE of you is what Buddha was talking about when he said things like, “Attachment to Desire (craving) is the root of all suffering.”
Going even deeper, Buddha’s “Twelve Links of Causation” start off with Ignorance.
Ignorance of what? Ignorance that you are a complete, infinite Being already. (Even if you don’t feel like one, act like one or think like one… what separates you from knowing it is FEELINGS and THOUGHTS… relinquish those and you’re done.)
Giving yourself Approval is a NATIVE ability and it’s only a decision. Everyone can do it.
When you get your own approval back, you can approve of others fully BECAUSE of who they are, not IN SPITE of who they are.
Then, people will gravitate towards you magnetically because they sense intuitively that you ARE closer to your innate being and everyone is trying to get BACK to that state.
But, it all starts with YOU.
If you can feel Superior to someone you can feel Inferior to someone. Both are Ego functions, and they can’t exist separately.
Remember in my post LR: Juggs how I THOUGHT the girl was being bitchy? And, remember how I made the decision to quit being so smart and allow it to be other than what I thought it was…
…and it turned out to be very different?
Well, I’m going to propose that you think about, consider, ponder, contemplate the idea that MOST of the negative experiences (and even NO-GO sets) you’ve had (or imagine having) with women are due to your MISTAKING her Low Self-Approval statements and behaviors for stuff that is consistent with “Your Story.”
It’s actually pretty comical from my new viewpoint.
You put a bunch of people in the room who don’t know how to love themselves… give them a shitload of alcohol, turn up the music so loud you can’t even think (let alone talk) and then you expect them to get together…
… the fact that people DO IT every night across the world is a testament to how compelling and pervasive this need for Approval is.
Anyway, that’s a very SLIGHT and basic groundwork into the newer AA stuff I’ve been working on… this has to be understood before the processes can be taught and have an effect.
What if, instead of asking you to give yourself approval, I had asked you to give yourself some Esteem?
Not quite the same effect is it? Now, imagine developing, describing and constructing exercises to help people “get it” while using bad naming all the way through.
The entire Community’s vocabulary and conceptual framework was built haphazardly over years by guys who didn’t get it… by guys who were still trying to figure it out.
Is it any wonder it’s such a mess?
~ CJ ~
Friday, September 3, 2010
Last Night in Orange County
I'm sitting here this morning trying to focus on getting my work complete before the labr day holiday weekend kicks in. I was looking in the mirror when I woke up and I still had pink lipstick smudged all over my face from last night.
I started the night with a meet-up happy hour event at RA at the District in Tustin. Not a big turn out and I'm glad I had other plans later in the evening.
The next stop was a seminar on gaming 9's & 10's that was taking place in Irvine. I had never met the group that was putting it on, so I didn't know what to expect. It started at 8 pm and went to 11:00 pm. They seem like decent guys, pretty basic stuff and they are still spiting out mystery method which I believe is a little old and played out. Damn, I wasn't expecting it to last so long and I was starting to talk myself out of going to the bar.
I convince myself to go and head to the Quiet Woman in Corona Del Mar. I notice I am nervous and I don't know why. Maybe because of the combination of being solo and being in CDM which is known for it's ultra hot girls.
Walk in, say hello to a few ladies as I pass by them, grab a beer and walk back over by the dance floor. I'm starting to get a little in my head, so I start talking to anyone regarding of the hotness factor. I start to feel better, start a few conversations with cougars, they don't go anywhere, and I'm thinking of leaving.
As I am walking away from the table, a guy grabs me and tells me I should go talk to his friend and points me in her direction. I had noticed them earlier, but figured they were together and dismissed it. She is a 45 yr old tan bleach blonde with fake tits. I'll have to go into details later about our interaction, but basically spent the rest of my time at the bar with her both inside and out on the smoking patio.
But here are two points I want to make.
#1 - If you see a girl and guy together, you never know for sure if they are together and you can miss out on opportunities. It so happened this girl was with her male cousin.
#2 - What I was thinking was going to be a horrible night actually turned out pretty good. I was getting in my head and starting to feel some approach anxiety, and if this guy hadn't of stopped me and told me to talk to his cousin, it may have been a bad night. It turns out she noticed me and thought I was cute from the minute she walked in the place.
I started the night with a meet-up happy hour event at RA at the District in Tustin. Not a big turn out and I'm glad I had other plans later in the evening.
The next stop was a seminar on gaming 9's & 10's that was taking place in Irvine. I had never met the group that was putting it on, so I didn't know what to expect. It started at 8 pm and went to 11:00 pm. They seem like decent guys, pretty basic stuff and they are still spiting out mystery method which I believe is a little old and played out. Damn, I wasn't expecting it to last so long and I was starting to talk myself out of going to the bar.
I convince myself to go and head to the Quiet Woman in Corona Del Mar. I notice I am nervous and I don't know why. Maybe because of the combination of being solo and being in CDM which is known for it's ultra hot girls.
Walk in, say hello to a few ladies as I pass by them, grab a beer and walk back over by the dance floor. I'm starting to get a little in my head, so I start talking to anyone regarding of the hotness factor. I start to feel better, start a few conversations with cougars, they don't go anywhere, and I'm thinking of leaving.
As I am walking away from the table, a guy grabs me and tells me I should go talk to his friend and points me in her direction. I had noticed them earlier, but figured they were together and dismissed it. She is a 45 yr old tan bleach blonde with fake tits. I'll have to go into details later about our interaction, but basically spent the rest of my time at the bar with her both inside and out on the smoking patio.
But here are two points I want to make.
#1 - If you see a girl and guy together, you never know for sure if they are together and you can miss out on opportunities. It so happened this girl was with her male cousin.
#2 - What I was thinking was going to be a horrible night actually turned out pretty good. I was getting in my head and starting to feel some approach anxiety, and if this guy hadn't of stopped me and told me to talk to his cousin, it may have been a bad night. It turns out she noticed me and thought I was cute from the minute she walked in the place.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
My response when girls ask me "what do you do?"
I say:
"You have to be more specific. What do I do for fun, for work, or to give women extreme physical pleasure?"
Since this is a question that gets asked early on in the interaction, it gets things sexual right away.
"You have to be more specific. What do I do for fun, for work, or to give women extreme physical pleasure?"
Since this is a question that gets asked early on in the interaction, it gets things sexual right away.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Starting Over
Sometimes I go out and have an unsatisfying night and realize I'm not that good. Sometimes I get a little spoiled when I have some success and start riding this "high" in which I can see myself getting any girl. 
Then it hits you bam! You're at a bar or club surrounded by gorgeous girls with outrageous bodies dressed in tight little slinky dresses our sporting an ass in a tight pair of jeans that goes for miles, and you realize that the "quality" you thought you were getting is nothing compared to these girls.
This is where the rubber meets the road. I had an epiphiney last night that these are the girls you have to start gaming to get good. And that means going to the places where these girls congregate. High end clubs. And these are the hardest places to game. But if you figure this out the rest will be easy in comparison.
So what does this mean as far as my personal development? I'm kinda starting from scratch. I have to be prepared t get blown out a lot for a while until I get calibrated and adapt socially in that environment.
Lot's of times I'll end up at places that suit my pick-up style, but don't necessarily lend itself to having the hottest girls to practice on. I need to change this.
So what am I going to do? Start gaming at the bars and clubs that cater to the hottest women.
Then it hits you bam! You're at a bar or club surrounded by gorgeous girls with outrageous bodies dressed in tight little slinky dresses our sporting an ass in a tight pair of jeans that goes for miles, and you realize that the "quality" you thought you were getting is nothing compared to these girls.
This is where the rubber meets the road. I had an epiphiney last night that these are the girls you have to start gaming to get good. And that means going to the places where these girls congregate. High end clubs. And these are the hardest places to game. But if you figure this out the rest will be easy in comparison.
So what does this mean as far as my personal development? I'm kinda starting from scratch. I have to be prepared t get blown out a lot for a while until I get calibrated and adapt socially in that environment.
Lot's of times I'll end up at places that suit my pick-up style, but don't necessarily lend itself to having the hottest girls to practice on. I need to change this.
So what am I going to do? Start gaming at the bars and clubs that cater to the hottest women.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Being Too Invested
I feel very outcome dependent when I go out on Match.com dates. I am trying to break this down and figure it out. I don't feel this way when I go out and do cold approach pick-up, so there must be something that is affecting my mindset. I think it's because I am too invested in the date (girl). What does this mean exactly? The following is going to sound very "cold" and "scientific", but its the easiest way to relay the concept and figure it out in my own head. It means I:
- Drive to meet them (invest my time).
- I pay for the drinks and appetizers (invest my money).
- It feels like a "date" (invest my emotions).
So this has an impact on how I act during the night. I think I am a little more needy then usual. I might be a little too try hard. I want there to be a "payoff" at the end of the night. I want a "return" on my investment. And when I don't get it I feel like a failure.
Compare this to going on and doing cold approach pick-up. There is no investment other then my own in myself. I am spending my time to go out, my money on myself, and my emotions on myself to make myself happy. And if I end up getting laid at the end of the night, it's a great "return" on a minimal investment in her, and a major investment in myself.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Cool things to incorporate into your lifestyle
Incorporate some cool things into your lifestyle. If you don't have cool hobbies or interests you need to cultivate them. I am working on incorporating some cool things into my lifestyle. I have created a list, not all of them I have started - but I will try to get to each and every one of them. I am trying to one new, cool thing a week to learn and explore. I've found this also gives me interesting things to talk about during my pick-ups and dates:
- Indoor Rock Climbing
- Beer Brewing
- Kyaking
- Surfing
- Improv
- Yoga
- Cooking
- Salsa
- Poetry
- Drawing/Art
Thursday, August 19, 2010
LMR - Twice now in 3 days
I've had a couple instances of LMR recently. I'm not sure where it's coming from, or if it's just a result of me being too much a pussy!
Sunday - I was at this meet up event at the park in Manhattan Beach. One of those Sunday concerts. I was doing my own thing for the first hour or so I was there. Relaxing on a blanket. Getting some sun. After the music started I wandered over to where the majority of the group was. I said "hi" to an older, in shape greek/italian milf that I seen before at some of the other meet-ups. She asked me to dance we ended up staying together body to body for the rest of the entire concert. We decided to go to the Purple Orchid Lounge in El Segundo after the dance ended to hang out. I laid out some sexual frames both at the park and at the bar. Once we were alone at the bar we had our hands all over each other, lots of kissing and groping. I set the frame that we were going back to her house. Pulled her outside...AND THEN BAM! She say's she wants to wait until the next time we get together. I act like it's no biggie and am cool with it and we part. What I should have done was get her in my car to listen to some music and escalated there.
Wednesday - Match date with a 41 yr old milf with fake tits. Her status on match said "seperated." Now I will make the case that anybody with a status of seperated on match is not looking to get into a new relationship. They are just getting out of an old one for god's sake. They want to have fun and get laid. So we meet at McKenna's, I run frames, we bounce to another bar called Khourey's, I escalate and kiss, run frames, place her hand on my erection over my jeans. I pull her to my car, more kissing, I suck on her tits...AND THEN BAM! She say's we'll meet earlier in the evening next week and have some fun at my place.
I need to figure this out. I am conveying "boyfriend material" and thus they want to wait, am I not seeing the signs and waiting too long to pull, or am I just not getting them comfortable enough with the idea of sex?
Sunday - I was at this meet up event at the park in Manhattan Beach. One of those Sunday concerts. I was doing my own thing for the first hour or so I was there. Relaxing on a blanket. Getting some sun. After the music started I wandered over to where the majority of the group was. I said "hi" to an older, in shape greek/italian milf that I seen before at some of the other meet-ups. She asked me to dance we ended up staying together body to body for the rest of the entire concert. We decided to go to the Purple Orchid Lounge in El Segundo after the dance ended to hang out. I laid out some sexual frames both at the park and at the bar. Once we were alone at the bar we had our hands all over each other, lots of kissing and groping. I set the frame that we were going back to her house. Pulled her outside...AND THEN BAM! She say's she wants to wait until the next time we get together. I act like it's no biggie and am cool with it and we part. What I should have done was get her in my car to listen to some music and escalated there.
Wednesday - Match date with a 41 yr old milf with fake tits. Her status on match said "seperated." Now I will make the case that anybody with a status of seperated on match is not looking to get into a new relationship. They are just getting out of an old one for god's sake. They want to have fun and get laid. So we meet at McKenna's, I run frames, we bounce to another bar called Khourey's, I escalate and kiss, run frames, place her hand on my erection over my jeans. I pull her to my car, more kissing, I suck on her tits...AND THEN BAM! She say's we'll meet earlier in the evening next week and have some fun at my place.
I need to figure this out. I am conveying "boyfriend material" and thus they want to wait, am I not seeing the signs and waiting too long to pull, or am I just not getting them comfortable enough with the idea of sex?
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Sticking Points
When you go out, make a list of a couple sticking points you want to work on and consciously keep them in your mind when you're working your sets. If you want to get better, you should never go out to do "pick up" without a few things to test, work out, and explore. It can be anything from body language, vocal tonality, openers, material stack, sexual frames, eye contact, kino, etc (you get the drift).
Here are a few of mine:
Here are a few of mine:
- I still don't approach the turbo hotties (I still feel a little intimidated).
- I am not opening enough sets each night (I want to average 3 sets per hour).
- I have too many plutonic conversations and not pushing the sexual frames.
- I feel bad when a girl gets offended by the sexual frames (I should be unapologetic and push through this).
So fellas, make a list and go out and methodically work on them...
Monday, August 16, 2010
Things To Come...
It's was an interesting Sunday. Not because I got laid or had some crazy sexcapade. It's about the potential of things to come. I had 3 sets in Huntington Beach Saturday night, and although I got 2 phone numbers out of the 3 sets, I didn't think it was a great night. I met a cougar from Chicago at Perq. She is married (I know, I'm going to hell), but was very caught up on conversation and the sexual frames and roleplaying we were doing in the bar. We exchanged numbers and I sent her a text around 1:30 am as the bar was closing. I didn't hear back and didn't think she was interested. But 16 hours later she sent me a message. Obviously she is interested in making something happen or she would have just ignored me. She is here until Thursday. I'm going to try and make something happen.
The other number was 2 set of 25 yr olds. I sent the same text as the bar was closing at 1:30 am. They actually called later that night but I couldn't get them to my place. We've been texting on Sunday and they brought up a 3-some. Maybe they're not serious, who knows. But there is a possibility.
So I guess the moral of the story is...give yourself as many options as possible. You will be surprised what can happen and where things will lead you.
The other number was 2 set of 25 yr olds. I sent the same text as the bar was closing at 1:30 am. They actually called later that night but I couldn't get them to my place. We've been texting on Sunday and they brought up a 3-some. Maybe they're not serious, who knows. But there is a possibility.
So I guess the moral of the story is...give yourself as many options as possible. You will be surprised what can happen and where things will lead you.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Her Frame was Stronger then Mine
I was out in Huntington Beach last night. Running some sets, one of the stops along the way was a hotel bar called Zimzala. I was with Decibel and we were talking to a 6 set of yoga intructors. I was talking to one with a European accent and we were vibing about Astrology and compatability of signs. I decided to run my naughty palm read on her. When I got to the "blowjob" line, she was completely offended and said I was out of line.
So what did I do? I said I was "joking" and that "obviously you didn't like my joke." I was basically making excuses for my behavior and being a pussy. I stopped talking to her and moved on.
What should I have done? I should have kept plowing. Igonored her comment and moved on to my next stack of material. This keeps me in control of the frame.
So what did I do? I said I was "joking" and that "obviously you didn't like my joke." I was basically making excuses for my behavior and being a pussy. I stopped talking to her and moved on.
What should I have done? I should have kept plowing. Igonored her comment and moved on to my next stack of material. This keeps me in control of the frame.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Tues Aug 3, 2010 - Pornstar Karoake in Burbank
I was a choade. I don't ever use this word, but I am using it now. I went out Solo to Pornstar Karoake at Sardos in Burbank. I've been there a few times and gotten numbers, one that's led to a lay and the other a date. I took a step back in time to my old self tonight. I sat on a stool at the bar and did very little interacting with anyone. I didn't allow myself to get into a good "state" as its known in the community...and I felt it. There were a few available sets, so there is no excuse. I felt it deep in my core. I sat there and felt the ackwardness of being surrounded people laughing, conversing, and having a good time while I was stone cold quiet. I felt bad. I wanted to talk, I missed it. But as it got later in the evening, I found the desire to get started diminsh more and more.
I got opened by one girl. She wanted to fuck. She handed me her business card. It said "caretaker". I handed it back. She was a hooker.
A pornstar walked by and looked right into my eyes. Since I wasn't in "state" and hadn't been speaking, I got out a meek "hi" and quickly looked away. She kept on walking.
But as I sit her today and think about it. It wasn't a bad night. It was a reminder. It was a reminder of what I used to be and am not anymore. It was like going back in time to another self, and I can see how miserable that was.
I like what I am able to do today, to cold approach, hook a set, escalate, turning nothing into something...perhaps a friend, a date, perhaps sex. So Tuesday night was reinforcement, to keep learning, keeping putting in the effort, keep approaching, because I am evolving...I am getting good. And every night is a blank canvas, I get to start over. What happened yesterday doesn't matter.
I got opened by one girl. She wanted to fuck. She handed me her business card. It said "caretaker". I handed it back. She was a hooker.
A pornstar walked by and looked right into my eyes. Since I wasn't in "state" and hadn't been speaking, I got out a meek "hi" and quickly looked away. She kept on walking.
But as I sit her today and think about it. It wasn't a bad night. It was a reminder. It was a reminder of what I used to be and am not anymore. It was like going back in time to another self, and I can see how miserable that was.
I like what I am able to do today, to cold approach, hook a set, escalate, turning nothing into something...perhaps a friend, a date, perhaps sex. So Tuesday night was reinforcement, to keep learning, keeping putting in the effort, keep approaching, because I am evolving...I am getting good. And every night is a blank canvas, I get to start over. What happened yesterday doesn't matter.
Monday August 2, 2010
Met one of my regular rotation girls for dinner at Tantalum in Long Beach. We met a a couple months ago on a pub crawl at a meetup.com event. We've been having some issues since she wanted to become my exclusive girlfriend and I told her I wasn't interested in being monogomous.
We decided to meet and talk since she has come to grips with my lifestyle. It was the result of our time together ending abruptly one day and not talking for about a week.
....Fast forward to the part of the conversation I wasn't happy with. Especially my response.
She decided she was cool with just hanging out for sex while she started dating others. She started going through her busy week, taking weekends of the table, and then stating that she went dancing other nights during the week. So Thursday worked for her. I said ok, but as I did this my mind instantly thought "Thursday is a good sarging night, I would rather do Monday or Wednesday". When she told me about her schedule those nights weren't good. So why did I end up agreeing to Thursday? I took a step back to my old ways of not standing up for myself and not wanting to ruffle the feathers at this point and just agreeing. What I should have said was "we can do Thursday this week, but Monday and Wednesday work better for me longer term." That would have been so easy. I'm going to revist this. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to lose a Fuck Buddy, but it needs to be on my terms as well.
We decided to meet and talk since she has come to grips with my lifestyle. It was the result of our time together ending abruptly one day and not talking for about a week.
....Fast forward to the part of the conversation I wasn't happy with. Especially my response.
She decided she was cool with just hanging out for sex while she started dating others. She started going through her busy week, taking weekends of the table, and then stating that she went dancing other nights during the week. So Thursday worked for her. I said ok, but as I did this my mind instantly thought "Thursday is a good sarging night, I would rather do Monday or Wednesday". When she told me about her schedule those nights weren't good. So why did I end up agreeing to Thursday? I took a step back to my old ways of not standing up for myself and not wanting to ruffle the feathers at this point and just agreeing. What I should have said was "we can do Thursday this week, but Monday and Wednesday work better for me longer term." That would have been so easy. I'm going to revist this. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to lose a Fuck Buddy, but it needs to be on my terms as well.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
SNLR - Hotel Pull in Studio City & Decibel Wings
We decide to meet at Lucy's 51, a lounge in Toluca Lake. Decibel is there with a potential man school client and we chill for a few minutes with a drink and chat. I had suggested the place and had been there on a Thursday a few weeks ago, but wasn't sure what it was like on a Friday night. The place was filled with mainly guys, and don't see a whole lot of sets to open.
I notice a cute girl walk in sit at a bar by herself. I wait a minute or two to see if she has a guy in tow. No guy, so I decide to go open. I'll call her Hb1.
Opener:
"Happy Friday! I saw you from where I was sitting and thought you were adorable so I had to come over and say hi."
Stack:
*We chat about our evenings so far. She had just come from a dance exhibition.
*I mention that she is really nice and can't be from So Cal, and we chat about our backgrounds.
*I throw out random questions (credit Natural Tim RSD)
So from this I find out that she has a boyfriend. Not a problem, but makes it more of a challenge. A girlfriend of hers shows up. Another cutie (not a hottie but a cutie). She is from Detroit so I'll call her HbDt. I chat with them both a little and Decibel comes over to wing. We all move back to our table. I start chatting with HbDt as Decibel chats with Hb1.
If you haven't read some of my other field reports, the style I have embraced is being sexual, but being discrete. I've realized that women have all these pent up cravings and sexual desires, but they don't want to be judged or act like sluts in front of their friends. So I keep everything very subtle.
Conversation that led to SNL:
So the way that I do this is I pepper sexual frames into our normal conversation.
Here are some of the normal conversational topics we chatted about:
*Detroit, Kid Rock & Eminem, brunch at sagebrush cantina, her cooking abilities, favorite hangout spots, bartending, the most adventurous things we've done lately.
Here are the sexual frames I ran throughout the night (I've posted all of these before):
*You have a very sweet face, but I detect a hidden naughty side, naughty palm read, genie (rub my head for 3 wishes), 5 things to do in Vegas to experience Sinn City, secret in her ear, holding her hand, rubbing her leg.
When I ran genie, I told her I wa going to grant her 3 wishes (multiple orgasms whenever she wants, her and her family get to live forever, and she gets to have hot sex tonight). After I did this she pulled out her blackberry and said "I don't see the hot sex on my calendar". I said, "that's the great thing about calenders, you can add things at anytime". So she says "Ok, what time should I schedule it for". I say "1:30". She add's a note on her schedule and shows it to me "Hot sex with a bald guy while he wears a condom". Now this is a very important statement and falls under the 5 objections I have posted in other reports. Girls don't want to get pregnant or get an STD. This was a roundabout way for her to check and make sure I was cool with safe sex. After she showed me this I went into a routine in which I indicate that I always have safe sex. The schedule became a running joke through the rest of the evening and from time to time we would check our watches and be like "Ok, 2 hours until our hot sex session".
At one point in the conversation, she asked if I was looking for a relationship or just looking to get laid. Now in my old way of thinking I would have said that "I have no expectations, just want to see what happens" because I thought that if I admitted I wanted to "get laid" it could hurt my chances and I should leave all my options open, especially if she is looking for a relationship. But now I understand that she is potentially screening me for a SNL, and if I set a frame that I could be possibly looking for a relationship, then it actually makes it harder for a SNL. Girls usually don't want to have sex the first night with someone they may have a potential relationship with. So my answer was "I just want to get laid". Her response was "that's not in the cards for me tonight". I never acknowledged her response and kept on chatting.
So about 45 mins into our conversation I ask if is she is a texter. She give me her number and I tell her I am going to text her "Something Dirty" (got this from Decibel). See the text message transcript below.
What's interesting about our text message conversation is that, we're all sitting there together, but her and I are in our own little sexual world via text message. Nobody knows what we're texting about. It looks like we are just sitting there having a normal conversation. Hb1 has no idea that things are getting sexual, and it gives me the opportunity to get HbDt in a sexual mood, without much kino at all. Like I said, I'm flying under the radar.
**Text messages**
CtV (11:23): Something dirty...
HbDt (11:24): More I like it
HbDt (11:24): Please
CtV (11:25): Do you know the naughty things I would be doing to you if we weren't in a bar right now?? :)
HbDt (11:25): No
HbDt (11:26): I'm innocent
CtV (11:27): Me too. I'm a good mormon boy.
HbDt (11:33): How good?
CtV (11:54): You will be so wet it will be dripping down your leg
HbDt (11:55): Promises promises
HbDt (11:56): So you assume I need your help for that?
CtV (12:03): Yes, I can help with that. With my special genie powers ;)
CtV (12:16): Let's get out of here.
HbDt (12:19): And go where?
CtV (12:20): Know a hotel close by? We can go there...
HbDt (12:21): Google...Hold on
HbDt (12:27): Beverly garland
HbDt (12:27): On Vineland
CtV (12:28): Got it..
CtV (12:29): I'll leave 5 mins after you do..
HbDt (12:30): Covert operation
CtV (12:36): Leaving now..
HbDt (12:40): Me too been talking to s******** outside
*The next morning:
CtV (8:13): Driving home. You were yummy last night. Text me sometime if you want to do it again :) Have a good rest of the weekend..
HbDt (10:41): Next time I'm in the mood for a covert operation you will be the first person to know ;)
So meet at the hotel in seperate cars. Damn it's expensive! A room is $200. I'm a little paranoid about fucking in public so I drop the coin on the room. Clothes immediately come off and we have a good long fuck session. I wore her out and kept holding off cumming cause I wanted to get the most bang for my buck (haha).
So after we were done I asked her when she knew she was going to sleep with me. She said when I texted her "Let's get out of here". I thought it would have been earlier but who knows. She then said that her friend (Hb1) NEVER talks to a guy one on one like she did with Decibel, so I have to give Decibel props again for being a great wing. I remember looking over at them throughout the night and seeing them engrossed in conversation and Decibel giving her the serious lovey dovy eye contact. Again GREAT JOB DECIBEL.
So I here is where I need some advice from the community. There was some ackwardness after we were done fucking. She was getting dressed and I was just crashing in the bed. It was pretty quiet during the 5 minutes she was doing this and I didn't come up with much to say. It felt a little uncomfortable ending it this way, and was wondering if anyone has any good ideas on what you talk about in that period of time when she is getting up and getting dressed before she leaves. Or is it ok just to stay quiet?
Friday, July 30, 2010
Foxfire Lounge Anaheim Hills - July 29 ,2010
I've decided August is going to be the month that I really get back into my cold approaches. I was doing really good for awhile, then I started having so many girls coming over on various nights, that it got easier to just stay home and get laid rather then go out. So I've set that aside for now and am getting back out there. Tonight was a warm-up.
I've been experimenting with a few things lately. I have been reading a book on self-hypnosis and there are some good scripts for self confidence and being more social. I have been creating my own scripts to help me stay motivated to go out night after night and to actually do the cold approaches when I am out. I'll keep you posted on the progress.
So I decided to go to the foxfire lounge in Anaheim Hills. This place is known around the area as a cougar hangout. I've listening to some cool stuff from Tim at RSD and wanted to try some of it.
I told myself I was going to walk in and open the first set I see. I get there and go to the bathroom, order a drink, and then start walking around the place. I'm not seeing much, so I go out to the smoking section for a bit to check it out. No sets really there either.
Back inside and I notice a tall blonde that I had met once before at a meetup event. I open here, she is with a guy and then get introduced to her friend. 45, big tits, big ass, big thick legs. Not really anything to get excited about but I need to get my mouth moving. She lives in Lakewood close to me, so we chat about cool places to hang, I tell her I'm trying not to stare at her tits while we're talking, we dance once. She goes to the bathroom so I move to another girl sitting by herself at the table.
She is here alone. I'm thinking to myself *she is here to get laid*. We start chatting and she keeps touching my shoulder and leaning in to talk in my ear. I tell her she is turning me on. She says she lives 15 mins away. I tell she is going to be my Anaheim playmate. I do my naughty palm read (but I don't think she gets it). She gets up to go to the bathroom. I think I came on a little too strong and scared her. I see her body better now and it's not what I thought so no big deal.
I go out to the patio. Two latina's come next to me. Nothing too special but not too bad. Fuckable. I open with Happy Thursday and a little toast. I ask them what they are celebrating and they say "Thursday night". I find out they used to work together and now they are in school. I run a little stack. I try to guess what they did for work *I guess heavy equipment operators*. Do best friends test and some plam reading. One starts to get hot and is touching me and showing huge signs of interest. Her friend leaves to dance I get sexual and run "genie" and "secret" on her. I tell her I would be doing naughty things to her if we weren't in a club. I start sensing there is an opportunity for a pull, but she is drinking a lot of wine and I don't want to drive her all the way back to Long Beach and then back to Anaheim where her car is.
Here is where I fucked up. I should have went for a car pull or something close by (there is a hotel across the street). She keeps drinking and I start feeling like its less and likely to happen since she is getting so drunk. She keeps trying to kiss me and I resist the best I can. She is getting annoyed saying I don't like her and I can leave if I want. *I find myself considering it since I'm not that attracted to her and I'm sure therefore not very congruent*. I give in a little and we make out, I feel her up under her dress and she has a prett nice round ass. I am getting more and more excited about the prospects. Her friend comes back in tow with a black guy named "Skillz". They smoke and go back and dance.
I head to the bathroom and bump into "Skillz". He asks if I think I can convince him to go back to his place close by. He shows me some pictures on his phone of his bar, hot tub etc. I notice some of his contacts on his phone say "PUA". I start thinking to myself is this guy a pick up artist but I don't say anything. I go back and convince them to head to the house. My girl is totally wasted right now and I'm not feeling great about the situation. As we're driving she says she is going to throw up. I roll down the window so that its not all over my car. We get to the house. It's kinda strange cause "Skillz" is fumbling with the keys and I get the sense that its not really his place.
We go in and the girls are in the bathroom vomiting. Now back in my previous days, I still would have been down but not anymore. I have to many options to go after a chick who is totally wasted and just done vomiting. A guy who I think is the owner of the house comes home and goes outside to watch tv. I ask "Skillz" if he is a pick up guy and he says yes like Style and Mystery and that he lives the Game and is starting his own lair in the area. *I'm thinking to myself that he's not that talented at all". From what I saw he basically has no game other then getting them drunk, offering them weed to smoke at his place, and relying on me to presuade the girls to leave the club. I don't tell him that I know anything about pick-up.
The girls come out, mine goes outside by the hot tub and I follow. She starts puking again and I've had enough so I decide to leave. I get home at 3 am..fall asleep at 4 am and then up at 7:30 am to start work.
Takeaways:
I've been experimenting with a few things lately. I have been reading a book on self-hypnosis and there are some good scripts for self confidence and being more social. I have been creating my own scripts to help me stay motivated to go out night after night and to actually do the cold approaches when I am out. I'll keep you posted on the progress.
So I decided to go to the foxfire lounge in Anaheim Hills. This place is known around the area as a cougar hangout. I've listening to some cool stuff from Tim at RSD and wanted to try some of it.
I told myself I was going to walk in and open the first set I see. I get there and go to the bathroom, order a drink, and then start walking around the place. I'm not seeing much, so I go out to the smoking section for a bit to check it out. No sets really there either.
Back inside and I notice a tall blonde that I had met once before at a meetup event. I open here, she is with a guy and then get introduced to her friend. 45, big tits, big ass, big thick legs. Not really anything to get excited about but I need to get my mouth moving. She lives in Lakewood close to me, so we chat about cool places to hang, I tell her I'm trying not to stare at her tits while we're talking, we dance once. She goes to the bathroom so I move to another girl sitting by herself at the table.
She is here alone. I'm thinking to myself *she is here to get laid*. We start chatting and she keeps touching my shoulder and leaning in to talk in my ear. I tell her she is turning me on. She says she lives 15 mins away. I tell she is going to be my Anaheim playmate. I do my naughty palm read (but I don't think she gets it). She gets up to go to the bathroom. I think I came on a little too strong and scared her. I see her body better now and it's not what I thought so no big deal.
I go out to the patio. Two latina's come next to me. Nothing too special but not too bad. Fuckable. I open with Happy Thursday and a little toast. I ask them what they are celebrating and they say "Thursday night". I find out they used to work together and now they are in school. I run a little stack. I try to guess what they did for work *I guess heavy equipment operators*. Do best friends test and some plam reading. One starts to get hot and is touching me and showing huge signs of interest. Her friend leaves to dance I get sexual and run "genie" and "secret" on her. I tell her I would be doing naughty things to her if we weren't in a club. I start sensing there is an opportunity for a pull, but she is drinking a lot of wine and I don't want to drive her all the way back to Long Beach and then back to Anaheim where her car is.
Here is where I fucked up. I should have went for a car pull or something close by (there is a hotel across the street). She keeps drinking and I start feeling like its less and likely to happen since she is getting so drunk. She keeps trying to kiss me and I resist the best I can. She is getting annoyed saying I don't like her and I can leave if I want. *I find myself considering it since I'm not that attracted to her and I'm sure therefore not very congruent*. I give in a little and we make out, I feel her up under her dress and she has a prett nice round ass. I am getting more and more excited about the prospects. Her friend comes back in tow with a black guy named "Skillz". They smoke and go back and dance.
I head to the bathroom and bump into "Skillz". He asks if I think I can convince him to go back to his place close by. He shows me some pictures on his phone of his bar, hot tub etc. I notice some of his contacts on his phone say "PUA". I start thinking to myself is this guy a pick up artist but I don't say anything. I go back and convince them to head to the house. My girl is totally wasted right now and I'm not feeling great about the situation. As we're driving she says she is going to throw up. I roll down the window so that its not all over my car. We get to the house. It's kinda strange cause "Skillz" is fumbling with the keys and I get the sense that its not really his place.
We go in and the girls are in the bathroom vomiting. Now back in my previous days, I still would have been down but not anymore. I have to many options to go after a chick who is totally wasted and just done vomiting. A guy who I think is the owner of the house comes home and goes outside to watch tv. I ask "Skillz" if he is a pick up guy and he says yes like Style and Mystery and that he lives the Game and is starting his own lair in the area. *I'm thinking to myself that he's not that talented at all". From what I saw he basically has no game other then getting them drunk, offering them weed to smoke at his place, and relying on me to presuade the girls to leave the club. I don't tell him that I know anything about pick-up.
The girls come out, mine goes outside by the hot tub and I follow. She starts puking again and I've had enough so I decide to leave. I get home at 3 am..fall asleep at 4 am and then up at 7:30 am to start work.
Takeaways:
Good
- I was loud (at times)
- All my sets hooked
- Ran Sexual frames
- Tried new material
- Didn't give into shit tests
- Actually pulled
Bad
- Made out in the club
- A little too quiet at the after hours
- I didn't try for the hottest girls
- Let her drink too much
- Only opened 3 sets total
Friday, July 9, 2010
2nd Street in Belmont Shores
I decided that I need to work on my Cold Approach more, as I've been relying too much on match.com and meetup.com for female interactions. It's been hard for me to get back in that headspace of cold approach. Most likely because I know how hard it is. But I know I need to do it. My buddy invited me to an amateur comedy show in Long Beach. It was pretty shitty, but I respect the process, as it is similar to developing your stack in pick-up.
After the show we decided to go out on 2nd Street in Belmont Shores. It's a very young college crowd, but I haven't been down there much so thought it would be cool to check out. While I was out I got a bootycall text, but refrained from getting together in order to stay out.
I wasn't really feeling it, maybe because I am intimidated by how young they were, so I just observed most of the evening, but had an interesting observation watching my friend. He did not approach anybody and seemed happy to resign himself to it being a shitty night and go home empty handed. It made me think, "is this what it's like going out for most guys?" An evening of frustration and then just go home and hope for something a little bit better next time. This is their reality, and I don't want that to be me. There is no reason why I could not work any one of those bars I was in and create a buzz with the social proof I'm able to obtain.
He was waiting for me to make something happen. I knew I could if I wanted to. I feel like I have a limited window to still game these younger college girls at a venue like this, especially since I only have 18 months until I'm 40. If you master the interactions with the young A.D.D. hot college girls, everything after that will be easy. So I am going to get started.
After the show we decided to go out on 2nd Street in Belmont Shores. It's a very young college crowd, but I haven't been down there much so thought it would be cool to check out. While I was out I got a bootycall text, but refrained from getting together in order to stay out.
I wasn't really feeling it, maybe because I am intimidated by how young they were, so I just observed most of the evening, but had an interesting observation watching my friend. He did not approach anybody and seemed happy to resign himself to it being a shitty night and go home empty handed. It made me think, "is this what it's like going out for most guys?" An evening of frustration and then just go home and hope for something a little bit better next time. This is their reality, and I don't want that to be me. There is no reason why I could not work any one of those bars I was in and create a buzz with the social proof I'm able to obtain.
He was waiting for me to make something happen. I knew I could if I wanted to. I feel like I have a limited window to still game these younger college girls at a venue like this, especially since I only have 18 months until I'm 40. If you master the interactions with the young A.D.D. hot college girls, everything after that will be easy. So I am going to get started.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Guide to Your PUA Development
From Entropy.....
About two and a half years ago, I wrote a post titled The Newbie Guide to PUA Development. It was designed to give newbies a blueprint to follow to help them improve and succeed as quickly as possible. It became widely popular, being stickied on various forums around the world and garnering tens of thousands of views and hundreds of replies.
This is a much-needed update and revision to that first document. Information and theory in the PUA industry has evolved quite a bit since early 2008. Not to mention my own understanding of people’s development.
There’s a lot of information out there to sift through and a lot of people telling you that THEIR way is the CORRECT way. The truth is, developing your skills with women is a personal journey, and everyone is going to gravitate towards their own style and interests. But there are some common sign posts that we all pass along the way which I hope to elucidate here.
This is my best attempt of organizing everything out there into a comprehensible “big picture” format to base your learning around. Focus is on what types of practice and action you should be taking, not just theory.
Finally, as I said in the last version of this document, the common denominator in everyone’s success with this stuff is the same as it is with any other skill-set: the effort you put in and your willingness to change your behavior. Nothing written below will mean anything to you if you’re not willing to humble yourself enough to learn or put in the necessary effort to achieve the results you want.
A few notes before we begin:
The recommended time frames below are assuming regular activity and practice. They’re based on my observations of dozens, if not hundreds, of guys over the past five years. Obviously there are exceptions, but I find these time-frames to be the most common.
Like many things, learning pick up is not completely linear. In fact, it’s probably impossible to lay out a perfect linear progression that everyone must follow, as everyone’s preferences, natural strengths/weaknesses, lifestyles, etc. differ very widely. Chances are your particular progression will bleed over between phases slightly. So don’t be alarmed if you see a little of yourself in one stage ahead and/or behind where you are. That’s probably normal.
Recommended products are the ones I’ve found of highest quality and most applicable to that particular sticking point. All links are not affiliated.
Stage 1: Newbie
Experience: Varies widely. Commonalities usually includes being very passive and supplicant, failed relationships or complete lack of relationships in the past. Social skills range from decent to abysmal. Personal lifestyle ranges from very strong to very weak.
Purpose: To educate himself and try just enough to figure out what works for him and what doesn’t.
Average Timeframe: 0 – 6 Months
We all come from very different backgrounds. From 18-year-old high school students to 55-year-old retired professors. Divorcees and virgins. Engineers and artists. Every country, all walks of life, rich or poor. Some of us come wanting a new girlfriend/wife. Others want to fuck everything that will stop and let us. Either way, the idea that we all should be taught the same thing or that there’s a one-size-fits-all-formula is ridiculous.
As a newbie, you must take it upon yourself to educate yourself as much as possible and then experiment enough to understand what works well for you and what doesn’t. Everything out there is “right” in one way or another — in that it worked for the author. But that doesn’t mean it will necessarily work for you. So you must try it out and see how it feels. It’s also your responsibility to get your baseline lifestyle in order to even give yourself a chance to meet and attract new women.
Reach a Baseline Lifestyle – A baseline lifestyle is the very basic components of a lifestyle that you need to even be considered an option to any self-respecting woman. Baseline lifestyle requires health, profession and friends. This is basically what “having a life” is, and if you don’t have one, no amount of practice, theory or tricks will ever help you. You will have horribly inconsistent success and when you do manage to get laid, you will never keep a woman around. Ever.Health means you are at least healthy. You don’t have to be ripped or run a marathon. But be healthy. If you’re obese, you need to lose weight. If you’re skinny, you should join a gym. If you’re chronically ill or very sick, you need to get it under control first.
Profession means that you have some sort of purpose with your life. It means you’re employed and if you don’t have a career, you at least have plans for one. I don’t care how good-looking and charming you are, no woman dates a broke deadbeat with no job. Or at least no woman we’d ever want to hook up with.
Friends means you have friends. World of Warcraft Guild members don’t count. Facebook friends don’t count. IRC chat buddies don’t count. Friends. Real friends that you see in person, hang out with, go out with and do things with. If you don’t have friends, there’s nothing PUA can do for you. Take care of that first.
Learn and Understand All of the Fundamentals – Fundamental seduction and pick up knowledge is a must to even get started. There are more than enough available books out there covering the basics (recommendations below). Get your hands on them and try to understand everything in them.The most important topics to understand are the following: how attraction is built and the many ways to do it, basics of conversation and rapport, basics of texting/phone calls/follow up, dates, escalation and roughly the steps it’s done in, fashion and style, body language. If you feel like you’re weak at any specific topic, spend more time on it. All of the above topics are MANDATORY.
Other pick up concepts that you should understand: the difference between day game, night game, and social circle game. The concept of social proof and social status. Canned game (routines) versus natural game. Direct versus indirect.
Learn to Approach – The first one will always be the hardest, so get it over with as soon as you can. A lot of guys wait a long time before they grow the balls to get out there and actually do it (it took me over three months to do my first approach). Right now, unless you’re working with a coach, most of your approaches will not go well. That’s fine and expected. Get used to the awkwardness. Learn that it’s not such a big deal.
Figure Out What Works for You and What Doesn’t – Everyone responds to different pick up and seduction material differently. I personally gravitated towards natural game and David DeAngelo’s material. I mostly went out at night. I have friends who gravitated towards canned routines and became very good. I know guys who did mostly day game and went direct. Chances are, you’re going to suck at almost everything right now, so figure out what FEELS MOST COMFORTABLE. Figure out what material and theory makes you say, “I could do this for the next few years and enjoy it.” Once you find that method, coach or specific school of thought, stick with it.
Seek Out Wingmen – Motivating yourself becomes 100 times easier if you can find like-minded guys in your area willing to go out with you. Wingmen are critical when you start out. Not only to help and learn from each other, but to push each other and keep each other motivated. Look into a local lair. If the lair sucks (many do), then post on some message boards or look around Facebook.
Recommended Products for Newbies:
Practical Pickup by Entropy (http://www.practicalpickup.com)
Double Your Dating by David DeAngelo (http://www.doubleyourdating.com)
Magic Bullets by Savoy (http://www.lovesystems.com)
The Game by Neil Strauss (Check Amazon)
Stage 2: Intermediate
Experience: Able to open and hook many sets. Can consistently get phone numbers when going out. Has a solid understanding of basic pick up theory. Has been going out for a few months. Has probably gotten laid a few times, although it’s very inconsistent and feels “lucky.” Most importantly, understands what works for him and is able to focus on that.
Purpose: To improve their results from inconsistent to consistent.
Average Timeframe: 6 Months – 2 Years
Guys in the intermediate stage can often be deceiving and to an untrained eye often appear better than they actually are. They can open and hook many sets, often in a very charming and exciting manner, and to most civilians and newbies this looks very impressive. Unfortunately, they don’t get laid often and when they do, it’s usually because the girl is very easy and/or she puts in most of the effort escalating. A lot of intermediate guys start believing they’re better than they are as well, and often begin coaching. Which is fine, as long as they’re coaching newbies.
Intermediate guy’s worst enemy is lack of persistence. His lack of persistence comes from the fact that he’s still somewhat sexually inexperienced and he hasn’t developed much emotional resilience to the unforgiving ups and downs of chasing women. Intermediate guys often complain of their state. They also often eject too often congratulating themselves that they got a girl attracted to them or a make-out, yet not having the balls or persistence to take things sexual.
Intermediate guys have the fundamentals under their belt and have a good understanding of what works with their personality and purpose. Now it’s just a matter of honing that into results on a consistent basis.
Developing Emotional Resilience – Or what is referred to in psychology as an “internal locus of evaluation.” This was also commonly referred to in the community as “state control” a few years ago. But basically the idea is that responses you receive from women vary widely, from amazingly awesome (”OMG, she loves me!”) to abysmal (”OMG, she told me to fuck off and die!”). Early on, most guys let their emotions become determined by these responses and therefore they become mood-based pick up artists. When they feel great, they do great. When they feel like crap, they do poorly.There’s no short answer for this outside of experience, and a very particular type of experience. Guys must learn to detach the reactions they get from women from their ego and their self-esteem. A common favorite among coaches is to create “blow out” games or other fun approaching games designed to turn bad responses into something fun and interesting for wingmen to laugh about. A lot of bootcamps revolve around this as well as “inner game” based coaching.
Unfortunately though, the only long-term cure for this is sexual experience and many positive reference experiences. How long it will take a guy to develop this will depend on two things: his pre-community experiences with women (including his mother), and his determination and will-power. A lack in either department will create one of those moody and drama-queen PUA’s that probably all of us have been out with at one point or another.
Master Sexual Escalation – It’s actually pretty surprising how many guys get stuck at this. Again, because it’s so easy to be perceived as “good” without actually getting laid and because it’s so easy to receive validation from women (more on that later) without getting laid, many complacent guys never put in the effort to succumb to the vast amount of awkward moments mastering that sexual escalation demands.But if you put a gun to my head and said, “what’s the one thing I can learn that will get me the laid the most the fastest,” it’d be sexual escalation. If you went out and just escalated like a pervert on every girl you met, you’d get slapped a lot, you’d get rejected a lot, but you’d get laid a lot as well. It wouldn’t be pretty, but hey, if that’s what you’re looking for, there you go.
Sexual escalation is a complicated topic because of the sexual anxiety that most guys possess to varying degrees. The process of mastering this is often more complicated than simply “touch X, then touch Y, then say Z,” although once mastered, that’s what it looks like. It’s also important to understand the basics of same night lays, primarily the importance of logistics.
Understand Basic Inner Game – It was a fad for a couple years recently that “inner game is the only game.” Unfortunately, I think this has proved to be both untrue and and impractical approach to improving with women. The simple truth is that I’ve personally met too many complete headcases and nut-jobs who were amazing with women for it to be true.But it still holds that inner game is very important to understand and that by the time a guy has reached the Intermediate Stage, a lot of his pesky outer sticking points actually have a deep-seated internal cause.
Basic concepts to understand are the ideas of emotional state, seeking validation, being non-reactive, positive thinking, self esteem and various other topics. Honestly, the vast majority of information in the PUA community on inner game has simply been ripped off from Tony Robbins, Eckhart Tolle and other self help gurus, so you may even be better off going straight to the source.
Become Great in Bed – Towards the end of the intermediate stage, you should be getting laid with some sort of regularity. And once you start getting laid regularly, the rush of simply getting laid recedes enough to need to become a good lover in bed.Hell, don’t be a good lover, be a phenomenal one. The benefits of a great sex life and sexual confidence bleed over to all of your interactions big-time. Knowing you can make a girl cum in three different places will remove a lot of your anxiety when it comes time to make a move.
Also, not to mention that once you learn how to be every girls best lover, they’ll NEVER stop coming back to you (no pun intended). Easiest way to keep high quality girls is to give them orgasms. It’s that simple.
Recommended products for Intermediate guys:
Date Hotter Girls by Rob Judge and Zack Bauer (http://www.datehottergirls.com)
The Complete Game System by 60 Years of Challenge (http://www.60yearsofchallenge.com)
Flawless Natural by Real Social Dynamics (http://www.realsocialdynamics.com)
Sex God Method by Dan Rose (http://www.sexgodmethod.com)
No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover (Paper and Glue)
Stage 3: Advanced
Experience: Can get results with some consistency. Almost always has sexual options. Has had and maintained multiple casual relationships. Has 20-30 lays under his belt. Is versatile in that he can meet and seduce women in many situations (day and night) and in various ways (direct and indirect). Able to travel to a different city or country and fares a solid chance of picking up a woman there in a short amount of time.
Purpose: To come to terms with the emotional realities of their social and sex life.
Average Timeframe: 2 Years – 5 Years
Advanced guys are what we used to refer to as “mPUA’s” back in the day. They get laid. They usually get laid a lot. And when they talk about it, it’s immediately apparent that it’s true. They’ve gotten laid and dated girls in a wide enough variety of circumstances that they can formulate some pretty deep thinking about the topic and about their own success.
These days, guys either start coaching when they hit this stage — if they didn’t already start as an Intermediate (”ZOMG! He approaches so many girls!”) — or they slowly remove themselves from the community. For years and years, our metric for success was little more than lay count, and perhaps looks of the women involved. As such, advanced guys have been treated as the pinnacle of seduction until very recently.
Luckily, as more time goes on and more is understood and the more we all evolve, this mentality is falling by the wayside. Racking up a ton of lays (some guys up into multiple hundreds) is not only being seen more and more as a bit excessive, but some times as a compensation.
The easiest way to explain the plight of the advanced guy is to sum it up like this: self image and identity always lag behind how we actually are. Fat people who lose 80 pounds usually still perceive themselves as fat for years afterward. Well, guys who all the sudden rack up 35 lays and a few girlfriends over two years still feel themselves to be that nerdy loser who couldn’t get a kiss if his life depended on it. This causes some serious internal dissonance and often erupts in behavior that’s self-sabotaging, misogynistic, or painfully over-compensating.
Their emotional self or what’s sometimes referred to as “core confidence” hasn’t caught up to their outer results. And this actually causes a number of problems.
The biggest problem is that most guys who reach this stage (very few, maybe 1% of guys who join the community) do so because they’re driven by something deep down. Often it’s some sort of emotional issue, past trauma, or baggage from their life. Learning to get this good with women — and let’s be honest, learning how to go out and bang 100 women is not a reasonable use of one’s time by most of the world’s standards — it usually comes from some sort of emotional quirk.
Advanced guys are forced to face this quirk eventually. I can tell you from experience, the rush and the validation from banging more women eventually runs out. Eventually you hit a point where sleeping with number 87 makes you feel absolutely NO different than you felt after 86. They become interchangeable faces and ironically, might as well all be the same vagina for all you care. Once this happens, once the need for validation and affection runs its course, you’re faced to confront what’s actually driving you in your sexual deviance.
Most guys realize that they’ve been compensating for their lack of masculinity. Some realize that they have issues with mom. Some realize that they’ve been exacting emotional revenge for the bitch that cheated on them and dumped them. Some of these guys have some sort of neuroses or compulsive disorder. Some are actually sex addicts (seriously).
Either way, the next step is to confront this original impetus and resolve it. If you’re the domineering and compensating short guy, it’s time to chill out and realize that you don’t have to prove yourself anymore. If you have some strange obsession with female attention because of your family life, it’s time to let it go. If you have some neurosis that causes you to constantly seek validation from people, then you need to come to terms with that.
In my experience, this can’t really be forced. Some guys figure it out pretty quickly and confront it. Some guys need to sleep with 50 girls to get their fill before they start realizing that they need to chill out. Some guys need to go nuts for years and bang 200 or more and have dozens and dozens of relationships blow up in their face before they finally confront. It’s a different pace for everyone, and unfortunately, I’ve met a number of guys who seem perpetually stuck here indefinitely (they’re fucking amazing in-field though).
Relationship Management – Learning how to juggle multiple women, build a rotation and even flirt with bringing them together for threesomes. But most importantly, learning to open up and become intimate with a girlfriend.Here’s a dirty little secret nobody talks about: having a happy and healthy long-term relationship will teach you more about women and help your inner game more than 1,000 cold approaches and 50 lays. By its very nature, a long-term relationship forces you to open up and come to terms with yourself emotionally. Which brings me to really the only major goal for the advanced guy…
Master Your Emotions as a Man – Again, this is so much easier said than done. Most guys I run into are completely oblivious to their emotions, much less in control of them. Like I said, a long-term girlfriend, if you’ve never had one, will do wonders for this. Therapy can also help a lot if you have some deep-seated problems.Once you open up emotionally, the whole “game” takes on a completely different view. I fucking hate this cliche, but it really is like “Seeing the Matrix.” Words cease to matter. You only see intentions and emotions. You realize anything you say or do only matters as much as the emotion it creates within her and within yourself. Everything you say and do is designed to play with this emotional string that vibrates between you and her. You begin to have entire emotional conversations with women with depth and meaning without actually talking about anything substantive. You are able to read people and situations better than they can read themselves, and you begin to connect with women on a completely new level. A level so powerful that concepts such as LMR, cockblocks, value, and shit tests go out the window. But first one must develop a sensitivity, both to your own emotions and to other people’s.
I think it’s much easier to rather than describe what mastering this looks like, what NOT mastering it looks like. If you DON’T master your emotions and the motivations that brought you to the community, this is what you can look forward to: a constant fixation on sex and women’s reactions to you, an addiction to validation from women (and men), a constant and nagging feeling of “not enough” that will persist and never go away, an unhealthy lifestyle that will grow old while your friends grow up, and an inability to ever maintain a relationship of any significant satisfaction. Your social life will be less about enjoyment and more about achievement. Friends and lovers turn into numbers and statistics. Every conversation you have will simply be a ladder rung to get to your next destination and victory… one that you will celebrate by yourself in your own mind.
For this reason, accomplishing this goal usually involves leaving the community. The community simply validates and objectifies behavior that at its core is an emotional behavior. At it’s core, seduction is an emotional action, and to try to measure it only disassociates it from our emotional well-being.
Recommendations for Advanced guys:
Way of the Superior Man by David Deida (Paper and Glue)
Therapy
A Girlfriend
Leaving the Community
Stage 4: Integrated
Experience: Has more than his share of notches on his bedpost (probably at least 50-100). Has experienced the ecstasies of serious multi-year relationships, the excitement of one night stands, and appreciates them both. He’s integrated his love and pursuit of women with his emotional desires. He’s more or less impervious to rejection as he sees it as women screening themselves out of his life. He’s experienced a wide variety of women of all ages, backgrounds, cultures and personalities and is pretty clear on what he enjoys and likes.
Purpose: To organize his lifestyle as best possible to efficiently screen for the women who will make him happiest.
Average Timeframe: 5+ Years
Eventually you come to a point where the behavior you’ve spent so long studying and practicing is simply integrated into your being. You may still push yourself here and there, but women come through your life fairly naturally and you know how to capitalize on opportunities.
As an integrated man, you no longer have a pressing emotional need driving your seduction. An integrated man is cool with one night stands, but he’s not necessarily looking for them. He’s also cool with a long-term monogamous relationship, but he’s not necessarily looking for that either. He’s open to everything yet seeking nothing. His actions are based upon what he wants, not what the each woman he meets wants.
The clear cut sign that you’ve made it to this phase is that you regularly turn down women that you’re pretty confident you could sleep with if you wanted to. In fact, you probably turn down five to ten women for each one you end up with. The reasons can vary widely, anything from looks to personality, to a lack of emotional interest, to logistical issues. You’ve gone from trying to be chosen to the one doing the choosing. You no longer seek to meet women’s standards but seek women who meet your own. Whereas a newbie will walk into a bar and be grateful to have ANY girl in it, the integrated man will often walk into a bar, talk to the few he finds physically attractive and find he has no interest in any of them.
The crux of the matter is that you no longer receive validation from sex or women’s attention, therefore you’re free to exercise 100% command and control of your interactions and which women you allow into your life.
The problem for the Integrated Man is finding a woman who meets his ridiculously high (and hard-earned) standards. He’s done everything and slept with everyone. He knows what he likes and sets about to get it.
The name of the game changes from effort (as a newbie or intermediate) to effort versus reward. An integrated man isn’t willing to spend his valuable time chasing a woman who he’s fairly sure he won’t enjoy his time with that much.
Since effort/reward is the new name of the game, the goal has changed from persistence to efficiency. The integrated man invites rejection and experiences it regularly. Everything is a screening process, and everything he does and lives is designed for the qualities he’s looking for in women. He loves artsy girls? He schedules his life around concerts and gallery showings and immediately screens for women with his similar interests. If he’s looking for intelligent women, he’ll purposely speak very rationally and logically about in-depth topics to weed out the ditzes and party girls.
This is far easier said than done and is a constantly ongoing process. This isn’t to say that the integrated man has flawless game… he usually hasn’t mastered everything. But he’s experienced to the point where he knows his strengths and weaknesses and knows how to use what he’s got to get what he wants.
Another progression to look at is newbies usually focus on day game because of it’s ease and how casual it is. Intermediate guys and advanced guys usually focus on night game because it’s the most challenging, makes you improve the fastest and rewards you with sex the quickest and in exciting fashion.
Integrated men focus on lifestyle and social circle. They realize that the odds of meeting a woman who meets their criteria in a random bar is fairly low and that the effort required for even a one night stand with most women no longer seems worth the meager amount of excitement (and mediocre sex).
He realizes that the most significant relationships one can have — casual or not — are borne out of similar interests and social connections, and therefore he spends his time positioning his lifestyle in such a way that it automatically attracts the appropriate women into his life. Whether this is starting a band, learning photography, becoming a teacher, or whatever. They then use their strong pick up skills to convert these high quality women with a startling consistency. By this stage, integrated men have usually developed their lifestyle to a high enough point that it makes them incredibly attractive in their own right.
They also understand that the constant approach-a-thon of classic pick up is a hamster wheel — designed only to train your muscles, not to actually get you to a real destination. Fulfillment comes from emotional connections and shared experience, not accomplishments and notches birthed from hundreds of nights out at the club.
About two and a half years ago, I wrote a post titled The Newbie Guide to PUA Development. It was designed to give newbies a blueprint to follow to help them improve and succeed as quickly as possible. It became widely popular, being stickied on various forums around the world and garnering tens of thousands of views and hundreds of replies.
This is a much-needed update and revision to that first document. Information and theory in the PUA industry has evolved quite a bit since early 2008. Not to mention my own understanding of people’s development.
There’s a lot of information out there to sift through and a lot of people telling you that THEIR way is the CORRECT way. The truth is, developing your skills with women is a personal journey, and everyone is going to gravitate towards their own style and interests. But there are some common sign posts that we all pass along the way which I hope to elucidate here.
This is my best attempt of organizing everything out there into a comprehensible “big picture” format to base your learning around. Focus is on what types of practice and action you should be taking, not just theory.
Finally, as I said in the last version of this document, the common denominator in everyone’s success with this stuff is the same as it is with any other skill-set: the effort you put in and your willingness to change your behavior. Nothing written below will mean anything to you if you’re not willing to humble yourself enough to learn or put in the necessary effort to achieve the results you want.
A few notes before we begin:
The recommended time frames below are assuming regular activity and practice. They’re based on my observations of dozens, if not hundreds, of guys over the past five years. Obviously there are exceptions, but I find these time-frames to be the most common.
Like many things, learning pick up is not completely linear. In fact, it’s probably impossible to lay out a perfect linear progression that everyone must follow, as everyone’s preferences, natural strengths/weaknesses, lifestyles, etc. differ very widely. Chances are your particular progression will bleed over between phases slightly. So don’t be alarmed if you see a little of yourself in one stage ahead and/or behind where you are. That’s probably normal.
Recommended products are the ones I’ve found of highest quality and most applicable to that particular sticking point. All links are not affiliated.
Stage 1: Newbie
Experience: Varies widely. Commonalities usually includes being very passive and supplicant, failed relationships or complete lack of relationships in the past. Social skills range from decent to abysmal. Personal lifestyle ranges from very strong to very weak.
Purpose: To educate himself and try just enough to figure out what works for him and what doesn’t.
Average Timeframe: 0 – 6 Months
We all come from very different backgrounds. From 18-year-old high school students to 55-year-old retired professors. Divorcees and virgins. Engineers and artists. Every country, all walks of life, rich or poor. Some of us come wanting a new girlfriend/wife. Others want to fuck everything that will stop and let us. Either way, the idea that we all should be taught the same thing or that there’s a one-size-fits-all-formula is ridiculous.
As a newbie, you must take it upon yourself to educate yourself as much as possible and then experiment enough to understand what works well for you and what doesn’t. Everything out there is “right” in one way or another — in that it worked for the author. But that doesn’t mean it will necessarily work for you. So you must try it out and see how it feels. It’s also your responsibility to get your baseline lifestyle in order to even give yourself a chance to meet and attract new women.
Reach a Baseline Lifestyle – A baseline lifestyle is the very basic components of a lifestyle that you need to even be considered an option to any self-respecting woman. Baseline lifestyle requires health, profession and friends. This is basically what “having a life” is, and if you don’t have one, no amount of practice, theory or tricks will ever help you. You will have horribly inconsistent success and when you do manage to get laid, you will never keep a woman around. Ever.Health means you are at least healthy. You don’t have to be ripped or run a marathon. But be healthy. If you’re obese, you need to lose weight. If you’re skinny, you should join a gym. If you’re chronically ill or very sick, you need to get it under control first.
Profession means that you have some sort of purpose with your life. It means you’re employed and if you don’t have a career, you at least have plans for one. I don’t care how good-looking and charming you are, no woman dates a broke deadbeat with no job. Or at least no woman we’d ever want to hook up with.
Friends means you have friends. World of Warcraft Guild members don’t count. Facebook friends don’t count. IRC chat buddies don’t count. Friends. Real friends that you see in person, hang out with, go out with and do things with. If you don’t have friends, there’s nothing PUA can do for you. Take care of that first.
Learn and Understand All of the Fundamentals – Fundamental seduction and pick up knowledge is a must to even get started. There are more than enough available books out there covering the basics (recommendations below). Get your hands on them and try to understand everything in them.The most important topics to understand are the following: how attraction is built and the many ways to do it, basics of conversation and rapport, basics of texting/phone calls/follow up, dates, escalation and roughly the steps it’s done in, fashion and style, body language. If you feel like you’re weak at any specific topic, spend more time on it. All of the above topics are MANDATORY.
Other pick up concepts that you should understand: the difference between day game, night game, and social circle game. The concept of social proof and social status. Canned game (routines) versus natural game. Direct versus indirect.
Learn to Approach – The first one will always be the hardest, so get it over with as soon as you can. A lot of guys wait a long time before they grow the balls to get out there and actually do it (it took me over three months to do my first approach). Right now, unless you’re working with a coach, most of your approaches will not go well. That’s fine and expected. Get used to the awkwardness. Learn that it’s not such a big deal.
Figure Out What Works for You and What Doesn’t – Everyone responds to different pick up and seduction material differently. I personally gravitated towards natural game and David DeAngelo’s material. I mostly went out at night. I have friends who gravitated towards canned routines and became very good. I know guys who did mostly day game and went direct. Chances are, you’re going to suck at almost everything right now, so figure out what FEELS MOST COMFORTABLE. Figure out what material and theory makes you say, “I could do this for the next few years and enjoy it.” Once you find that method, coach or specific school of thought, stick with it.
Seek Out Wingmen – Motivating yourself becomes 100 times easier if you can find like-minded guys in your area willing to go out with you. Wingmen are critical when you start out. Not only to help and learn from each other, but to push each other and keep each other motivated. Look into a local lair. If the lair sucks (many do), then post on some message boards or look around Facebook.
Recommended Products for Newbies:
Practical Pickup by Entropy (http://www.practicalpickup.com)
Double Your Dating by David DeAngelo (http://www.doubleyourdating.com)
Magic Bullets by Savoy (http://www.lovesystems.com)
The Game by Neil Strauss (Check Amazon)
Stage 2: Intermediate
Experience: Able to open and hook many sets. Can consistently get phone numbers when going out. Has a solid understanding of basic pick up theory. Has been going out for a few months. Has probably gotten laid a few times, although it’s very inconsistent and feels “lucky.” Most importantly, understands what works for him and is able to focus on that.
Purpose: To improve their results from inconsistent to consistent.
Average Timeframe: 6 Months – 2 Years
Guys in the intermediate stage can often be deceiving and to an untrained eye often appear better than they actually are. They can open and hook many sets, often in a very charming and exciting manner, and to most civilians and newbies this looks very impressive. Unfortunately, they don’t get laid often and when they do, it’s usually because the girl is very easy and/or she puts in most of the effort escalating. A lot of intermediate guys start believing they’re better than they are as well, and often begin coaching. Which is fine, as long as they’re coaching newbies.
Intermediate guy’s worst enemy is lack of persistence. His lack of persistence comes from the fact that he’s still somewhat sexually inexperienced and he hasn’t developed much emotional resilience to the unforgiving ups and downs of chasing women. Intermediate guys often complain of their state. They also often eject too often congratulating themselves that they got a girl attracted to them or a make-out, yet not having the balls or persistence to take things sexual.
Intermediate guys have the fundamentals under their belt and have a good understanding of what works with their personality and purpose. Now it’s just a matter of honing that into results on a consistent basis.
Developing Emotional Resilience – Or what is referred to in psychology as an “internal locus of evaluation.” This was also commonly referred to in the community as “state control” a few years ago. But basically the idea is that responses you receive from women vary widely, from amazingly awesome (”OMG, she loves me!”) to abysmal (”OMG, she told me to fuck off and die!”). Early on, most guys let their emotions become determined by these responses and therefore they become mood-based pick up artists. When they feel great, they do great. When they feel like crap, they do poorly.There’s no short answer for this outside of experience, and a very particular type of experience. Guys must learn to detach the reactions they get from women from their ego and their self-esteem. A common favorite among coaches is to create “blow out” games or other fun approaching games designed to turn bad responses into something fun and interesting for wingmen to laugh about. A lot of bootcamps revolve around this as well as “inner game” based coaching.
Unfortunately though, the only long-term cure for this is sexual experience and many positive reference experiences. How long it will take a guy to develop this will depend on two things: his pre-community experiences with women (including his mother), and his determination and will-power. A lack in either department will create one of those moody and drama-queen PUA’s that probably all of us have been out with at one point or another.
Master Sexual Escalation – It’s actually pretty surprising how many guys get stuck at this. Again, because it’s so easy to be perceived as “good” without actually getting laid and because it’s so easy to receive validation from women (more on that later) without getting laid, many complacent guys never put in the effort to succumb to the vast amount of awkward moments mastering that sexual escalation demands.But if you put a gun to my head and said, “what’s the one thing I can learn that will get me the laid the most the fastest,” it’d be sexual escalation. If you went out and just escalated like a pervert on every girl you met, you’d get slapped a lot, you’d get rejected a lot, but you’d get laid a lot as well. It wouldn’t be pretty, but hey, if that’s what you’re looking for, there you go.
Sexual escalation is a complicated topic because of the sexual anxiety that most guys possess to varying degrees. The process of mastering this is often more complicated than simply “touch X, then touch Y, then say Z,” although once mastered, that’s what it looks like. It’s also important to understand the basics of same night lays, primarily the importance of logistics.
Understand Basic Inner Game – It was a fad for a couple years recently that “inner game is the only game.” Unfortunately, I think this has proved to be both untrue and and impractical approach to improving with women. The simple truth is that I’ve personally met too many complete headcases and nut-jobs who were amazing with women for it to be true.But it still holds that inner game is very important to understand and that by the time a guy has reached the Intermediate Stage, a lot of his pesky outer sticking points actually have a deep-seated internal cause.
Basic concepts to understand are the ideas of emotional state, seeking validation, being non-reactive, positive thinking, self esteem and various other topics. Honestly, the vast majority of information in the PUA community on inner game has simply been ripped off from Tony Robbins, Eckhart Tolle and other self help gurus, so you may even be better off going straight to the source.
Become Great in Bed – Towards the end of the intermediate stage, you should be getting laid with some sort of regularity. And once you start getting laid regularly, the rush of simply getting laid recedes enough to need to become a good lover in bed.Hell, don’t be a good lover, be a phenomenal one. The benefits of a great sex life and sexual confidence bleed over to all of your interactions big-time. Knowing you can make a girl cum in three different places will remove a lot of your anxiety when it comes time to make a move.
Also, not to mention that once you learn how to be every girls best lover, they’ll NEVER stop coming back to you (no pun intended). Easiest way to keep high quality girls is to give them orgasms. It’s that simple.
Recommended products for Intermediate guys:
Date Hotter Girls by Rob Judge and Zack Bauer (http://www.datehottergirls.com)
The Complete Game System by 60 Years of Challenge (http://www.60yearsofchallenge.com)
Flawless Natural by Real Social Dynamics (http://www.realsocialdynamics.com)
Sex God Method by Dan Rose (http://www.sexgodmethod.com)
No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover (Paper and Glue)
Stage 3: Advanced
Experience: Can get results with some consistency. Almost always has sexual options. Has had and maintained multiple casual relationships. Has 20-30 lays under his belt. Is versatile in that he can meet and seduce women in many situations (day and night) and in various ways (direct and indirect). Able to travel to a different city or country and fares a solid chance of picking up a woman there in a short amount of time.
Purpose: To come to terms with the emotional realities of their social and sex life.
Average Timeframe: 2 Years – 5 Years
Advanced guys are what we used to refer to as “mPUA’s” back in the day. They get laid. They usually get laid a lot. And when they talk about it, it’s immediately apparent that it’s true. They’ve gotten laid and dated girls in a wide enough variety of circumstances that they can formulate some pretty deep thinking about the topic and about their own success.
These days, guys either start coaching when they hit this stage — if they didn’t already start as an Intermediate (”ZOMG! He approaches so many girls!”) — or they slowly remove themselves from the community. For years and years, our metric for success was little more than lay count, and perhaps looks of the women involved. As such, advanced guys have been treated as the pinnacle of seduction until very recently.
Luckily, as more time goes on and more is understood and the more we all evolve, this mentality is falling by the wayside. Racking up a ton of lays (some guys up into multiple hundreds) is not only being seen more and more as a bit excessive, but some times as a compensation.
The easiest way to explain the plight of the advanced guy is to sum it up like this: self image and identity always lag behind how we actually are. Fat people who lose 80 pounds usually still perceive themselves as fat for years afterward. Well, guys who all the sudden rack up 35 lays and a few girlfriends over two years still feel themselves to be that nerdy loser who couldn’t get a kiss if his life depended on it. This causes some serious internal dissonance and often erupts in behavior that’s self-sabotaging, misogynistic, or painfully over-compensating.
Their emotional self or what’s sometimes referred to as “core confidence” hasn’t caught up to their outer results. And this actually causes a number of problems.
The biggest problem is that most guys who reach this stage (very few, maybe 1% of guys who join the community) do so because they’re driven by something deep down. Often it’s some sort of emotional issue, past trauma, or baggage from their life. Learning to get this good with women — and let’s be honest, learning how to go out and bang 100 women is not a reasonable use of one’s time by most of the world’s standards — it usually comes from some sort of emotional quirk.
Advanced guys are forced to face this quirk eventually. I can tell you from experience, the rush and the validation from banging more women eventually runs out. Eventually you hit a point where sleeping with number 87 makes you feel absolutely NO different than you felt after 86. They become interchangeable faces and ironically, might as well all be the same vagina for all you care. Once this happens, once the need for validation and affection runs its course, you’re faced to confront what’s actually driving you in your sexual deviance.
Most guys realize that they’ve been compensating for their lack of masculinity. Some realize that they have issues with mom. Some realize that they’ve been exacting emotional revenge for the bitch that cheated on them and dumped them. Some of these guys have some sort of neuroses or compulsive disorder. Some are actually sex addicts (seriously).
Either way, the next step is to confront this original impetus and resolve it. If you’re the domineering and compensating short guy, it’s time to chill out and realize that you don’t have to prove yourself anymore. If you have some strange obsession with female attention because of your family life, it’s time to let it go. If you have some neurosis that causes you to constantly seek validation from people, then you need to come to terms with that.
In my experience, this can’t really be forced. Some guys figure it out pretty quickly and confront it. Some guys need to sleep with 50 girls to get their fill before they start realizing that they need to chill out. Some guys need to go nuts for years and bang 200 or more and have dozens and dozens of relationships blow up in their face before they finally confront. It’s a different pace for everyone, and unfortunately, I’ve met a number of guys who seem perpetually stuck here indefinitely (they’re fucking amazing in-field though).
Relationship Management – Learning how to juggle multiple women, build a rotation and even flirt with bringing them together for threesomes. But most importantly, learning to open up and become intimate with a girlfriend.Here’s a dirty little secret nobody talks about: having a happy and healthy long-term relationship will teach you more about women and help your inner game more than 1,000 cold approaches and 50 lays. By its very nature, a long-term relationship forces you to open up and come to terms with yourself emotionally. Which brings me to really the only major goal for the advanced guy…
Master Your Emotions as a Man – Again, this is so much easier said than done. Most guys I run into are completely oblivious to their emotions, much less in control of them. Like I said, a long-term girlfriend, if you’ve never had one, will do wonders for this. Therapy can also help a lot if you have some deep-seated problems.Once you open up emotionally, the whole “game” takes on a completely different view. I fucking hate this cliche, but it really is like “Seeing the Matrix.” Words cease to matter. You only see intentions and emotions. You realize anything you say or do only matters as much as the emotion it creates within her and within yourself. Everything you say and do is designed to play with this emotional string that vibrates between you and her. You begin to have entire emotional conversations with women with depth and meaning without actually talking about anything substantive. You are able to read people and situations better than they can read themselves, and you begin to connect with women on a completely new level. A level so powerful that concepts such as LMR, cockblocks, value, and shit tests go out the window. But first one must develop a sensitivity, both to your own emotions and to other people’s.
I think it’s much easier to rather than describe what mastering this looks like, what NOT mastering it looks like. If you DON’T master your emotions and the motivations that brought you to the community, this is what you can look forward to: a constant fixation on sex and women’s reactions to you, an addiction to validation from women (and men), a constant and nagging feeling of “not enough” that will persist and never go away, an unhealthy lifestyle that will grow old while your friends grow up, and an inability to ever maintain a relationship of any significant satisfaction. Your social life will be less about enjoyment and more about achievement. Friends and lovers turn into numbers and statistics. Every conversation you have will simply be a ladder rung to get to your next destination and victory… one that you will celebrate by yourself in your own mind.
For this reason, accomplishing this goal usually involves leaving the community. The community simply validates and objectifies behavior that at its core is an emotional behavior. At it’s core, seduction is an emotional action, and to try to measure it only disassociates it from our emotional well-being.
Recommendations for Advanced guys:
Way of the Superior Man by David Deida (Paper and Glue)
Therapy
A Girlfriend
Leaving the Community
Stage 4: Integrated
Experience: Has more than his share of notches on his bedpost (probably at least 50-100). Has experienced the ecstasies of serious multi-year relationships, the excitement of one night stands, and appreciates them both. He’s integrated his love and pursuit of women with his emotional desires. He’s more or less impervious to rejection as he sees it as women screening themselves out of his life. He’s experienced a wide variety of women of all ages, backgrounds, cultures and personalities and is pretty clear on what he enjoys and likes.
Purpose: To organize his lifestyle as best possible to efficiently screen for the women who will make him happiest.
Average Timeframe: 5+ Years
Eventually you come to a point where the behavior you’ve spent so long studying and practicing is simply integrated into your being. You may still push yourself here and there, but women come through your life fairly naturally and you know how to capitalize on opportunities.
As an integrated man, you no longer have a pressing emotional need driving your seduction. An integrated man is cool with one night stands, but he’s not necessarily looking for them. He’s also cool with a long-term monogamous relationship, but he’s not necessarily looking for that either. He’s open to everything yet seeking nothing. His actions are based upon what he wants, not what the each woman he meets wants.
The clear cut sign that you’ve made it to this phase is that you regularly turn down women that you’re pretty confident you could sleep with if you wanted to. In fact, you probably turn down five to ten women for each one you end up with. The reasons can vary widely, anything from looks to personality, to a lack of emotional interest, to logistical issues. You’ve gone from trying to be chosen to the one doing the choosing. You no longer seek to meet women’s standards but seek women who meet your own. Whereas a newbie will walk into a bar and be grateful to have ANY girl in it, the integrated man will often walk into a bar, talk to the few he finds physically attractive and find he has no interest in any of them.
The crux of the matter is that you no longer receive validation from sex or women’s attention, therefore you’re free to exercise 100% command and control of your interactions and which women you allow into your life.
The problem for the Integrated Man is finding a woman who meets his ridiculously high (and hard-earned) standards. He’s done everything and slept with everyone. He knows what he likes and sets about to get it.
The name of the game changes from effort (as a newbie or intermediate) to effort versus reward. An integrated man isn’t willing to spend his valuable time chasing a woman who he’s fairly sure he won’t enjoy his time with that much.
Since effort/reward is the new name of the game, the goal has changed from persistence to efficiency. The integrated man invites rejection and experiences it regularly. Everything is a screening process, and everything he does and lives is designed for the qualities he’s looking for in women. He loves artsy girls? He schedules his life around concerts and gallery showings and immediately screens for women with his similar interests. If he’s looking for intelligent women, he’ll purposely speak very rationally and logically about in-depth topics to weed out the ditzes and party girls.
This is far easier said than done and is a constantly ongoing process. This isn’t to say that the integrated man has flawless game… he usually hasn’t mastered everything. But he’s experienced to the point where he knows his strengths and weaknesses and knows how to use what he’s got to get what he wants.
Another progression to look at is newbies usually focus on day game because of it’s ease and how casual it is. Intermediate guys and advanced guys usually focus on night game because it’s the most challenging, makes you improve the fastest and rewards you with sex the quickest and in exciting fashion.
Integrated men focus on lifestyle and social circle. They realize that the odds of meeting a woman who meets their criteria in a random bar is fairly low and that the effort required for even a one night stand with most women no longer seems worth the meager amount of excitement (and mediocre sex).
He realizes that the most significant relationships one can have — casual or not — are borne out of similar interests and social connections, and therefore he spends his time positioning his lifestyle in such a way that it automatically attracts the appropriate women into his life. Whether this is starting a band, learning photography, becoming a teacher, or whatever. They then use their strong pick up skills to convert these high quality women with a startling consistency. By this stage, integrated men have usually developed their lifestyle to a high enough point that it makes them incredibly attractive in their own right.
They also understand that the constant approach-a-thon of classic pick up is a hamster wheel — designed only to train your muscles, not to actually get you to a real destination. Fulfillment comes from emotional connections and shared experience, not accomplishments and notches birthed from hundreds of nights out at the club.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
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